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Is it right to say "You are special" to a child?


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I often hear children around me being told “you are very special”, “you are the only one”, “you are wonderful”. I wonder how true this is in terms of healthy personality development?

Of course, it is true that every person is special. We are all unique and special. There isn't another one of us. Our children are undoubtedly very precious and special to us. However, many sources I have found talk about the imbalance in the ego development of children whose uniqueness is constantly emphasized and everything they do is praised during the growing age. This carries the risk of causing them to have difficulties in many matters, from bilateral relations to school success, finding a job, and marriage, when they grow up.

The concept of parenting has changed

The generation before us grew up in larger families, with more siblings and fewer opportunities. We have not heard of concepts such as being special or unique. We were children like everyone else. In the last 15 years, family structures, like many things, have changed in Turkey. The elders of the family now live separately. The number of families with one child has increased. Access to technology and information is very easy. The possibilities are wide. The place of women in working life is increasing. The understanding of parenting has changed and developed.

All of these brought individuality to the fore over time. We have moved from collective lives to lives where loneliness increases. The importance we attach to people, namely ourselves and our children, has increased. We focus on learning more and improving. Everything is so beautiful up to here. However, the messages we give to our children seem out of tune.

The "you are special", "you are the only", "you are wonderful" messages that we tell children so that they can develop their self-confidence, be at peace with themselves, and know that they are loved are the result of young generations with over-inflated egos, who think they are the wisest and special person in the universe, but when they encounter real life, they see that this is not the case and become depressed. created. Psychological counseling centers are full of children who are brought in because they have "very high awareness" and are given intelligence tests. Reorganization of intelligence tests is on the agenda. Because now everyone's child is very smart, very successful, very aware.

So much so that when these children grow up and start school, they do not respect their teachers. They know that with just one word, they can bring their families to school and make them do what they want. (Of course, mistakes in the education system also play a part in this) They start their business life, they do not like the company or they want to become a manager immediately in the first job they enter. On the first day of work, someone asked, "Can you archive these files?" When he says this, their world falls apart and they resign. Or they have trouble finding a life partner because they think no one is worthy of them.

In summary; They do not know how to value anyone other than themselves, how to work hard for something, how to be patient, how to succeed despite difficulties, how to struggle against difficulties. They cannot develop because they do not know.

Recently, I had the opportunity to chat with many teachers and psychological counselors. Unfortunately, schools are full of such children. Ego development is of course important in a healthy person. Children who are brought up with beatings on their heads, one day become insecure adults. But everything has to have a balance. Our children are very special to us, but we must remember that their lives are not just about us and we must avoid unnecessary praise so that they do not have difficulties when they grow up. Let's see their efforts and approve them without judgment, but let them know that not every step they take has to be perfect. While trying to do good in this way, we end up doing evil.

Is it right to say "You are special" to a child?

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